date: 01.17.2003
entitled: "Juicy Neurons"

I�ve been feeling creative lately. This is such a relief, as I thought every drop of creative juice had escaped my being. The last time I can remember feeling creative would�ve been May of 2001, the month I graduated from college. After that, my life was filled with large events, which sucked every creative ounce out of me:

I moved to NYC. You�d think this would nourish any creativity within a person, given that an infinite number of creative events are going on, all the time. But the adjustment was far greater than one would expect. If you don�t have a certain mindset, the city can be extremely exhausting.

I started a very serious job. This in no way is meant to sound egomaniacal, as if my job has a direct impact on world hunger or the future of human kind or something. It means that I work with OTHER people who treat their job as if it has an impact on these things. My daily environment has gone from free thinking, spontaneous, goofy college life, to rigid, white-walled, caustic corporate firm life. This is a drastic enough change to make anyone go into creative shock.

I experienced the catastrophic destruction of the World Trade Center. Talk about creative shock! Need I say more?

I moved in with the man I love. Whoa! Way to send my world coiling and spiraling and tumbling out of its orbital path. I am a very organized person, physically and mentally. Or I WAS. Throw the love of your life into the same apartment with you, sharing toothpaste and bed space, laughing, crying, and farting together, and your psyche is bound to be shaken up a bit. I mean, it�s wonderful, but my brain wasn�t really prepared to feel the sloppy and messy emotions that being so close to someone brings with it. Is anyone�s brain ready for that, really?

And so here I am, my neurons and synapses buzzing and sparking and partying in my head, sending out all these impulses that make me feel like writing music, writing poetry, writing a novel, painting, drawing, drafting, designing jewelry, making cool things out of sculpey clay, photographing my surroundings, and redesigning the entire apartment all at once. I�ve even been having really lucid, funky dreams. I�ve started sketching in my sketchbook again, and I even whipped out the acrylic paints for some plagiarized cartooning (I haven�t quite tapped into my own mind in order to draw animated things. That takes a little more advancement). The self-indulgent-me really wants to buckle down and buy some stretched canvas and some oils, and probably some new paint brushes, but my recent rendezvous with acrylics reminded me that I need a bit more practice before I get really serious.

As an amendment to my first claim that I�ve been feeling creative lately, I must say that it�s more like this: lately, I have really felt like feeling creative. I guess it�s been such a long time since I let loose, and jumped into something, that I kind of forget how to do it. It almost feels foreign. Consequently, I�ve made many mental notes in my head of catchy phrases or words I�ve thought of, even a poetic stanza or two, but have not had the guts to write them down. No, it�s more like I can�t organize them or complete them, in order to write them down. Perhaps I just need some inspiration, or to lose myself in something beautiful. Or some weed.

song stuck in my head:

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