date: 04.26.2003
entitled: "Woes in the land of human resources"

i am feeling superior today. not just superior as in feeling really good, but superior as in 'i'm better than those schmoes over there'. i have an image in my head. picture, if you will, the look on the guy's face in ferris bueller when ferris hands the guy a dollar bill as a bribe at chez pierre, claiming he's abe froeman 'sausage king of chicago'. the look on that guy's face is how i feel.

what prompted this sudden aire of arrogance in me, you may ask? it is the dark cloud which has suddenly engulfed my lunchtime restaurant excursions with my co-worker/friend. it is the new hr girl. no, i can't even call her a dark shroud, because that would suggest she possesses some mystery or intrigue. instead, she is more like a white, puffy, cumulus cloud, floating around aimlessly in the sky, suddenly becoming a rain cloud, and making my subway sandwich soggy. this girl happens to sit by my team, and therefore asked if she could go to lunch with my regular lunch buddy and me. out of complete obligation to the new hire, we took her with us.

i don't believe i've ever commented on my distaste for 'business people', let alone hr people. it all began my freshman year in college, the year which was one long string of question marks and naivete. while deciding which educational path i would take, and after i had already considered and ruled out medicine, biology, and psychology, i came to the dreary conclusion that there was really nothing i wanted to devote four whole years to, so i chose business. it was ambiguous, it was practical, and i was almost 100% gauranteed a job after graduation. what an exhilerating way to begin my adult life. after one short, painful semester of macro-economics, economic geography, and other classes, i came to the realization i had no idea what any of these people were talking about, and i really didn't want to know. facing one last huzzah, the upcoming spring business job fair rolled into town. i found myself scraping together a resume, finding some stuffy, conservative clothes, and heading to south campus. the fair was held in the ginormous campus barn/arena where they normally held horse shows, and other events many farming and plant & soil science majors found exciting. as i trodded around on the dirt floor of the place, gazing at all the corporate booths and terrible, conservative students walking around, it hit me like the kickball used to hit me in the face in gym class, this is not the place for me.

To further convince me, even though i needed no more convincing, one of my roommates the following year happened to be a junior, studying for a degree in human resources. soon after i moved in, i realized that the school of business was THE most ambiguous and dry schools at the university (duuh). I remember helping her study for exams with her little flash cards, and she would get so frustrated because the answers to all the questions sounded the same. they all seemed like common sense, yet they made no sense. consequently, to this day, i hold quite a contempt for people with strictly business degrees, as i really don't see how their studies have anything to do with anything that is human, or interesting, or relevant. am i being extreme? yes, i probably am.

so this new hr girl? she's your stereotypical hr girl. long, straight, mousy brown hair, not afraid to wear it in a drab ponytail. she is very agreeable to everything, and sees the inhuman, cold, callus, competitive place that is our office as 'everyone here is just so quiet!'. no, actually, everyone here is rude, and holds no compassion for other human beings. everyone here deliberately avoids eye contact, because they really don't care about what you may have to say. and everyone here is just waiting for the oppurtunity to step on the next person, climb to the top, and to be the apple of the partners' eyes.

it bothers me greatly that she may be a routine addition to our daily lunch plans, especially since that time is sacred for venting about people and goings-on at work. one topic that frequently comes up is the status of ongoing layoffs. my lunch buddy and i now have to stifle our worries and woes, because this girl is a direct connection to the evil scheming of the hr people. this girl is the assistant to the main hr woman, who is extremely outgoing and friendly, but then sits in her office behind closed doors, and only comes out to shred secret documents in the paper shredder. i feel my job is even more threatened now, and it doesnt help to have this smiling, doe-eyed girl sitting across from me as i devour my empanada or falafel or sandwich or whathaveyou. oh, and by the way, it is generally known that when more hr people are hired, the volcano of layoffs has begun to bubble and boil and churn, and it means doom to numerous other employees. i will keep you updated on my employment status in the coming months.

song stuck in my head:
she's lost control - joy division (AGAIN)

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