date: 05.12.2003
entitled: "Feeling the monster climb deeper inside of me"


i happened to catch 'i love the 80's' on vh1 earlier this evening, on which 1989 was being covered. the portion where they list 'make-out songs of 1989' sent me into a dizzying swirl of emotions and nostalgia, as robert smith's voice came on in 'lovesong'. my mind flashed back to my early teenage years, sitting in my bedroom, taping cure songs off an obscure, local high school radio show - tapes which turned out hissy and chopped off - dreaming of the boy i had a crush on at the time, and of taking trips to england to track down robert smith..which is usually where the daydreams ended, as i never thought of what i would say to him face to face. i immediately turned off vh1, with a half-orgasmic grunt, in hot pursuit of my 'disintegration' cd. my eyes skimmed through the 'c' section of my cds, not once, not twice, but thrice. could it be true?! it's not here! unfortunately, the cd is missing, possibly due to a crazy, passive-aggressive, kleptomaniac roommate of the past, or possibly due to my own foggy, anxiety-stricken, post-9/11 mind, and the many residential changes thereafter. although, i really don't know how i could have just LOST more than 10 cd's over the course of moving. anyway, when i saw disintegration was gone, i ran for the bedroom, where i keep my stash of old cassette tapes under the bed. damn! my REAL tape copy had broken from overuse, so i only had a dubbed version. i popped that baby in the tape deck, and fluidity and beauty ensued. and then i flipped the tape....and more fluidity and beauty ensued. my rabbit even seemed to like it. she had a passionate licking session with her favorite pillow, as i petted her and sang along with the woeful lyrics.

song stuck in my head:
fascination street - the cure

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